Have you ever known someone who always needs to be right? Have you noticed how often these people also need for others to be wrong? It isn’t enough to merely prove their point It’s more They go out of their way to demonstrate how others are wrong.
Similarly, there are people who need to win - whether at a game or in some other form of competition. Again, winning is not enough. There is a clear need for others to lose. This person needs to completely dominate and decimate the opponent as if, only then, does he feel victorious.
Think of it this way: If, in a competition with another person - whether verbal or game related - I need to have the other person proven wrong or beaten thoroughly, what am I saying about myself? Can we, as human beings, intend harm through competition, and not harm ourselves in the process? In other words, this approach to competition is an extreme example of the person who needs to put others down in order to feel better about himself. As we know, that doesn’t work. There may be a moment or two of self-gratification that is immediately followed by an internal reaction that is far less satisfactory.
It is my opinion that the right person or winner in this case, with each victory, digs the hole of lost self-esteem just a little bit deeper - losing ground with every won battle until the war itself has been lost.
So, what can we as professional coaches, do to help a person with this life outlook? Recently, I had a client who fit this exactly - a huge need to be right (and others wrong) and a need to win or be the best (and others lose or be less). Of course, there were other behaviors that coincided with this. He is a very insecure person, a person who attaches his self-esteem to others (teachers, mentors, family members, clients), and a person without a clear sense of direction. Another question might be, “Where do we start?”
I started by asking the client one key question which was, “Where do you suppose you learned this - your need to be right and win at all costs?” Clearly, he had never been asked this question since his reaction was akin to the “deer in the headlights” look. In response, he asked, “What do you mean?” Although my training included not using the word “why,” I will occasionally when I intend to put a client on the defensive. So I asked, “Why do you always need to portray yourself as the ‘best’ at everything you do when you are not necessarily the best?” That earned me a second look and, “What are you talking about? I’m . . . .” and he proceeded to list his achievements. I countered this with, “But you’re not [and gave an example of a leader in the field he was using].”
This went on for nearly an hour with example and counter-example. I recognized that there was a very real probability that this client was going to walk as I was confronting his safe-self mechanisms. However, he didn’t.” At the end, I asked the first question again, “Where do you supposed you learned this?” My client began to identify some of the defense mechanisms that had been developed during his teen years and how they came to be and we began making some progress.
I am reminded of the old adage that, in order to rebuild, we have to tear a structure down completely. This seemed to be the approach I was taking based on my own sense of how to best help this client.
I would be very interested in hearing from other coaches, who have had clients like this, to hear (read) how you have successfully helped someone move beyond their need to be right or win at all costs.
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